I am not there is a reflection on grief, memory, and transformation. Inspired by the Tibetan Book of the Dead (Bardo Thodol) and the composer’s time with her father in the hospital, the piece explores the duality of beauty and pain, light and darkness, tradition and raw emotion.

The work opens with a lyrical setting of Clare Harner’s poem “Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep”, then gradually fragments: the melody and text dissolve into syllables, shouts, and mantras. These shifts mirror the emotional turbulence of loss and the spiritual journey through the bardos: death, supreme reality, and rebirth.

A humming motif based on Bob Dylan’s Blowin’ in the Wind, a favorite of the composer’s father, threads through the piece, alongside symbolic elements like 108 measures (a nod to Buddhist mala beads) and the use of a singing bowl.

I am not there invites performers and listeners alike to confront grief not only as sorrow, but as a transformation, and a source of unexpected beauty.

Preview Score: